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[ Monday August 17, 2020 ] |
FRIENDS ONLY.
Comment to be added.
This is a seperate journal I've made so my friends don't find out about my eating disorder. So obviously, my journal is mostly going to consist of entries talking about or related to it. So if you're not comfortable with that, you probably don't want to be added.
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[ Saturday May 30, 2009 ] |
i've given up
i'm giving up slowly
i'm blending in so you won't even know me
apart from this whole world
that shares my fate.
and this one last bullet you mention
is my one last shot at redemption
cause i know
to live you must give your life away.
and i've been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
and i've been locked inside that house
all the while you hold the key
and i've been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me
and even though
there's no way of knowing where to go
i promise i'm going.
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[ Wednesday August 20, 2008 ] |
only part of me wants to win this war ...
im so scared.
im a monster.
but part of me is ok with that ...
as long as im a thin monster ...
be thin be perfect or die trying.
but NO.
i dont know.
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[ Tuesday April 03, 2007 ] |
Gah. I never update in here. I probably should more. Venting's good.
Attempted recovery as of last night ... really thought I was going to make it this time, even though I've failed within 12 or 24 hours countless times before.
As of tonight, here I am again. Not even 24 hours. Fuuuck.
What is it about this that pulls us back again? It's like a fucking noose.
I thought I could finally beat the voice in my head. But I can't. It's like I can never win, no matter how strong I am. Where does this come from, and why can't I beat it? I don't like the term 'Ana,' but I really don't think that it's me. I don't sound like that.
Sometimes I think it's just so much easier to concede to the voices and give in to their will. Then they're happy and I'm left alone.
But then I get all selfish and greedy and want 'health' and 'happiness'-though I feel that when I do everything the voices tell me to and say yes, I'm giving you what you want, nothing parallels that happiness, that acceptance-but mostly, 'food.' Because I'm a fucking monster. And I sound fucking insane.
I understand the statistic that anorexics are 56x more likely to attempt/commit suicide than normal people.
I wish someone could just save me from myself. Or whatever this is.
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[ Tuesday March 20, 2007 ] |
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the stars.
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painthinbeauty's journal